Where's That Bloody Snake .......?

Letters from Thailand....By Michael Hockham

After much consideration and general indecisiveness, it's now official.......I'm a nerd.
Not only have I gained this rather insulting tag but I've also offered myself on a plate to those cruel beings who would seek only to throw the label "consumer whore" in the general direction of anyone who purchases more than one product by the same manufacturer.

I am Apple, and Steve Job's bitch.

I'm also soon to be tagged by those unfortunate enough to ask me any question related to Apple's products with the nickname of "Thrush" (An irritating c**t).

Known as the local tech master simply because I have sold my soul to Apple, I'm now harassed into offering product reviews, latest prices and advisement on accompanying hard / software packages. Meeting frequently updated technology and consumer demands, the harassment from potential buyers who have no interest in trawling and cross-referencing reviews themselves is relentless. My concern however is the invisible and unwritten guarantee I seem to be providing with each item purchased following my free of charge recommendations. The latest of these was from a recent purchaser of a shiny new Apple Macbook ..... Following lengthy discussions reference the difference between windows and Apple operating systems he called me the other day to advise that he was "having difficulty opening Microsoft Outlook" and that it "didn't look the same as Windows" no shit Sherlock.... I'm pleased the last months worth of advice, tutorials and practical messing about on my Mac have proved beneficial .... From hanging software & dysfunctional applications to uncomfortable hardware causing aches and pains in the purchasers wrist (the latter is probably unrelated and proves the quality of downloaded images) .....I'm inundated with complaints and expected after sales services that (A) are mostly down to user error and (B) have f**k all to do with me anyway.

My answer to future opinion seekers will soon be to simply "Subscribe to Which magazine."

The above dilemma comes from many years working within the construction industry and feeling that IT developers had been missing the point for quite some time. Generally I found that I was working from two or three computers throughout my working day. A home PC, Office computer and more often than not, a laptop whilst traveling. With the recent developments within the mobile phone sector, making mobile "smart phones" more powerful and easy to use than my 1999 windows clunk box, this just added to the entourage of equipment we found ourselves tethered to. The problem for me was of course, using 4 different boxes with which to store information, it was never replicated throughout the "network."

Trying to move documents between computers even as little as 5 or 6 years ago proved a task comparable to rocket science and as frustrating as a doorbell mid wank!

With the production of external storage devices came a solution for many that was revolutionary. For me however, what I wanted was simple; all of my devices to be wirelessly connected and updated within seconds of the last key stroke. Microsoft played at this and continued to flog their dead "Exchange" horse for many years.

Apple however, turned up to the party after years of being laughed at by "real computer owners" and changed the face of not only the computer world but the turning of the plannet itself. A strong statement I know...but one I stand by.

Steve Jobs addressed all of the above and offered clear and simple solutions not only for corporate concerns but for the ordinary bod on the street.

The iPod changed not only the way we purchase and listen to music but offered the whole music industry, who had been abusing a cash cow since Motown fell from the sky, a swift and killer blow to the scrotum. I can already hear the sounds of lint free cloths against vinyl decreasing in number and disgruntled 33 and a third owners glopping off to their latest needle purchase. These guys now feel dirty and unclean when entering a "record shop" hoping that their beloved collection of 12 inch picture discs don't find out. Seeing rows upon rows of new fangled equipment designed and implemented for fast downloads........ even CDs are shaking in their cases.

As the iPod changed the face of music closely followed by the iPhone which competitors still, 4 years after it's release, try to keep up with but continue to finish as an also ran...now comes the iPad, a device that has all fat media moguls shitting in their silk boxers or knickers... or both if I understand these people correctly.

I'm writing this post today whilst stretched out on my couch following a couple of nights of flu fever. The thought of powering up the Macbook and balancing it on my knee is just too much for my 40 year old noggin to deal with and the inclination to fanny about with the small keys on the iPhone (as bloody fantastic as it is) is just not there.

Reaching for my little slab of glass in the form of Apple's new iPad however, is more than manageable (spoilt little bastard) and I'm beginning to think that we should all be careful what we wish for before we are all spoiled to the point of no return. I curse the 2 seconds it takes my web pages to turn and hate the 3 seconds it takes for my contact added to the iPhone to be updated on my 3 computers and Apples backup server.

I'm a twat! A twat with a short and selective memory.

It wasn't so long ago that it was oh so different and wont be long before our I.T lives change yet again. For the better? Who cares?

Tomorrow I have a contractual meeting with new clients. My secretary will take notes during the meeting on my iPad for the production and distribution of meeting minutes. Being new clients, I will need to take contact details. I can do this by taking a picture of their business card with the iPhone which it then converts into a contact card and placed in my address book or manually type their details in to the phone or iPad..... Within 3 seconds of typing the first letter of the above information, it will already have been synchronized between not only the iPhone and the iPad but my Macbook, office iMac and home windows PC.... not to mention the Apple server which now holds all of my documentation as a backup. (I'm beginning to think that the FBI have a vested interest in Apple Mr Orwell)

It's amazing and the way we live our lives on the broader scale, is changing at a rapid pace. I initially started this post with a view to blabbing about the wonders of my recently purchased iPad. I seem to have already blabbed too much however and my Sister in Law may very well as I type, be conjuring up ways to remove my testicles following my Brother placing an order for an iPad. His latest "requirement." A "need" ...not a "want" I might add. I "need" to work on the already media killing machine and not unzip my bag to remove my laptop. I'm ill and the laptop weighs a great deal more than the iPad..... it's obviously linked to my continued good health and should therefore be seen as a type of medication or life support....
At the scene of accidents it will no longer be a doctor that's called for. The air stewardess will soon be heard over the intercom requesting the attention of medical assistance along the lines of ..."ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately we have a sick passenger on board. We would like to request the attendance and medical assistance of a doctor or the latest firmware updated iPad"

I ridicule my actions and antics, but do I take any steps to change them?

Not on your life, I've taken a bite from the apple and that snake Job's has a lot to answer for.

Michael Hockham - 30 August 2010

muddleman@themuddleman.com